Wisdom Wednesday: Consequences That Have Meaning
Wisdom Wednesday: Consequences That Have Meaning
Are you at the end of your tether with your children who just aren’t getting that certain behaviours have consequences.?
Kids are hard-wired to push boundaries. That’s how they learn.
But they don’t seem to be getting that their behaviour has consequences too.
Watch on now as I discuss this topic and some strategies that I find work.
Read the show notes
Hello and welcome.
Zoe here from Learning Boosters. Learning Boosters provides personalised tutoring Australia wide. At Learning Boosters, we are creating happy, confident kids through creative learning. You can find us online.
Lately, I have seen a huge increase in distressed parents who are at the end of their tether with children who just aren’t getting that certain behaviours have consequences.
Let’s face it; kids are hard-wired to push boundaries. That’s how they learn.
No wonder parents become frustrated. You say all the right things to help them make the right choices, but they just keep ignoring you. Right!!!!
This month’s Wisdom Wednesday is about consequences that have meaning, and how to find what will stick with your child.
Avoid giving ultimatums
It is never effective to give your child an ultimatum in the heat of an argument. I know I used to do this and found that I became too harsh or nothing appropriate at the time came to mind, or I was too lenient depending on how I was feeling at the time. It never worked, so I had to change my strategy.
So we set up and implemented a plan. I did this in a kind and firm manner that focused on encouraging expectations and better behaviour rather than punishment.
Involve your child in making a plan
My suggestion is to sit down with your child and write a list of goals and consequences and follow through. Make consequences task-orientated, not time-orientated. So if your child’s consequence is losing their online privileges for 24 hours in that time, get them to do something within that time that will help them to improve their behaviour—simply taking something away for any length of time is just teaching them how to do time and wait till they get it back. Make consequences a learning experience, not just a punishment. E.g. “What can you do so this doesn’t happen again?”
Think about the lessons or morals you want to teach your child. Try not to appeal to their emotions with speeches:
this won’t work
they won’t hear you
All they will hear is “blah, Blah, Blah,” or oh no, mum or dad are raving again!!! And they will switch off.
Try to engage their self-interest
Most teenagers won’t care about others’ feelings. They are usually detached from others’ feelings, particularly their parents. They may feel guilty later and apologise, but the behaviour will happen again. A question to ask a self-interested child would be, “what can you do so you don’t get into trouble next time?”
Or
“Understand that if you’re not going to do your homework when you are expected to, things are only going to get worse for you, not better. I know you want to play online games, so what can you do so that you can do that?”
Include your child, so they have some ownership
It is important that your child is included in the setting up of this as they will then take ownership of it.
Try not to use a reward system (although this might work with your child). Some children will use their own money or “borrow” from you to get what they want. You want the “consequences” to be unpleasant. What do they really dislike? Ask them. Make the consequences hurt your child has to feel uncomfortable.
Keep things simple
We called ours a Menu of Choices Plan
The plan might be:
Expectation is doing your homework on Monday and Wednesday afternoons – If they argue or refuse to do it, then the consequences might be no online games for 3 nights or even longer if need be.
Helping others when asked or if it’s obvious someone needs help.
Getting their own school bag ready in the morning.
Getting dressed in time in the morning.
Speaking kindly to each other.
You get the idea.
Consequence and expectation examples
Make consequences simple and black and white. Lay them out clearly.
“Hey, it’s time to do your homework.”
“Don’t want to do it?”
“Ok, no online games for two days.”
“Your choice.”
Or (Remind them of the expectations that you have both put in place)
“Hey, it’s time to do your homework.”
“Remember, don’t want to do it? “
“What does that mean?”
“Means no online gaming for two days.”
“This is what’s going to happen from now on.”
Don’t get sucked into an argument about consequences. Stay mute. Your child may also not want to show you they are not hurt by the consequences. They will say things like, “Who cares, whatever.”
Don’t get sucked into this. Just say “No worries. It’s too bad you don’t care. It just means the consequences will happen more often.”
Or “I respect that is your choice.” Leave it at that. Do something else or leave the room. If they follow you, then go to the toilet and sit there with the seat down and do some slow breathing. If you don’t react, they will give up.
Here your child is being set up for success. It is less stressful for everyone.
Yes, it does take time to set up, but it is worth it in the long run. Because eventually, these expectations will become second nature, and they will be doing it without thinking.
How do you know if the consequences are working?
You will know if your plan is working if your child is being held accountable. Accountability is the best chance for change.
Zoe
